Weight

It may seem a little strange to start a series on my demons by talking about weight. But it is an issue that has plagued me for sometime now. To the point that doctors have told me I NEED to lose weight. But what have I done about it? Nothing. My liver is having problems because of it and what do I do? Nothing. As you'll probably see this week, I'm looking at things a lot differently now that I'm about to be a father. I want to be there for my kids. I want to be able to play with them. But I know that right now, I can't do much of anything without being exhausted. I've tried different things to lose weight, but don't have the will power to stick to them for very long. Plus I think I push myself so hard that I end up failing. Over a year ago I started a blog to talk about some of these issues and my struggle to lose weight. But I only posted a couple time, and didn't tell anyone, before I gave up on that. I'm tired of not being able to do things that I want to do because I'm too tired to go through with them. For a while now I've had this strong desire to run. But between my weight and my bad knees (partially due to my weight) I can't. I can barely walk some days, let alone run. I don't know what to do anymore. I think I might try riding the stationary bike again. That's what my doctor recommended anyway. I also know I need to eat better. But when you don't have the energy or patience to cook, it's hard to eat right. I'll try and keep working on this. Who knows, I might even start my old blog back up to let people know how I'm doing. Maybe the accountability of that would keep me going. Plus maybe working out would help me sleep more.

Sleep

One of the reasons I haven't been posting as much as I'd like, is because of a general lack of sleep. Because of this I've been finding it very hard to focus on anything for more than two minutes. So, trying to write would probably come out very spastic and incoherent. Let alone I can't seem to come up with topics when I'm awake, let alone when I'm exhausted. Most of you probably know that I've never been able to sleep very well. (And while I used to be able to sleep for long long hours, as of late I can't do that at all.) I'd call it insomnia, but I've never had it confirmed by doctors. It's one of the things that's led me to work nights. I figure, I'm not sleeping anyway. Why not get paid for it. The only problem is that I still can't sleep in the days. I used to love being able to function on a couple hours of sleep. I loved writing while I was completely out of it. More stream of conscience writing than an actual thought process. Maybe it's because I'm getting older, but I can't stand it anymore. Lately I've been feeling more and more like a zombie. Just going through the motions of life. Not really present. Just there. One of the things that affects my sleeping the most, and has for years, is that when I'm tired is when my demons attack the hardest. The battle of voices in my head is deafening sometimes. That's why I've taken to sleeping with the TV on. Helps to drown out the noise. Which kinda brings me to what I'm going to try to do over the next few days. I'm going to try and out my demons. So, maybe I can write it all down and they'll leave me alone. I can't promise anything. I can't promise that I'll even post them if I do write them. But that's what I'm going to try to do. I pray that God will give me the strength to bring these demons into the light so they might go away.