Weight

It may seem a little strange to start a series on my demons by talking about weight. But it is an issue that has plagued me for sometime now. To the point that doctors have told me I NEED to lose weight. But what have I done about it? Nothing. My liver is having problems because of it and what do I do? Nothing. As you'll probably see this week, I'm looking at things a lot differently now that I'm about to be a father. I want to be there for my kids. I want to be able to play with them. But I know that right now, I can't do much of anything without being exhausted. I've tried different things to lose weight, but don't have the will power to stick to them for very long. Plus I think I push myself so hard that I end up failing. Over a year ago I started a blog to talk about some of these issues and my struggle to lose weight. But I only posted a couple time, and didn't tell anyone, before I gave up on that. I'm tired of not being able to do things that I want to do because I'm too tired to go through with them. For a while now I've had this strong desire to run. But between my weight and my bad knees (partially due to my weight) I can't. I can barely walk some days, let alone run. I don't know what to do anymore. I think I might try riding the stationary bike again. That's what my doctor recommended anyway. I also know I need to eat better. But when you don't have the energy or patience to cook, it's hard to eat right. I'll try and keep working on this. Who knows, I might even start my old blog back up to let people know how I'm doing. Maybe the accountability of that would keep me going. Plus maybe working out would help me sleep more.

Sleep

One of the reasons I haven't been posting as much as I'd like, is because of a general lack of sleep. Because of this I've been finding it very hard to focus on anything for more than two minutes. So, trying to write would probably come out very spastic and incoherent. Let alone I can't seem to come up with topics when I'm awake, let alone when I'm exhausted. Most of you probably know that I've never been able to sleep very well. (And while I used to be able to sleep for long long hours, as of late I can't do that at all.) I'd call it insomnia, but I've never had it confirmed by doctors. It's one of the things that's led me to work nights. I figure, I'm not sleeping anyway. Why not get paid for it. The only problem is that I still can't sleep in the days. I used to love being able to function on a couple hours of sleep. I loved writing while I was completely out of it. More stream of conscience writing than an actual thought process. Maybe it's because I'm getting older, but I can't stand it anymore. Lately I've been feeling more and more like a zombie. Just going through the motions of life. Not really present. Just there. One of the things that affects my sleeping the most, and has for years, is that when I'm tired is when my demons attack the hardest. The battle of voices in my head is deafening sometimes. That's why I've taken to sleeping with the TV on. Helps to drown out the noise. Which kinda brings me to what I'm going to try to do over the next few days. I'm going to try and out my demons. So, maybe I can write it all down and they'll leave me alone. I can't promise anything. I can't promise that I'll even post them if I do write them. But that's what I'm going to try to do. I pray that God will give me the strength to bring these demons into the light so they might go away.

Thankgiving

I figured I'd go with the them of the day and talk about what I'm thankful for. First off, I'm thankful for God, who gave me life and keeps loving and saving me daily. For my family, without whom I don't want to even think of where I'd be. For my wife, whose love fills me up daily so that I can keep going. For my son, Maximilian Stephen, whom I've never seen, but I love more than life itself. For my dog, whose warmth and kisses bring great joy to me. For angels, both of this world and of Heaven, that speak words in my ears to help fight the demons in my life. And most of all for you, dear reader, without you there would be no point to write all this down. Thank you all. may God bless you and give you plenty to be thankful for in you lives.

Christian Image

Now, I'm today I'm going to try and write about what I really was thinking about writing yesterday. this was brought to my mind by the Phelps family being in the area to protest several different things. I won't go into what they were here protesting, but more just about the way they protest and the image they project of Christians. It's strange, I have so much to say, but find it hard to say it for fear of offending anyone who might agree with them. But oh well. Here goes... For those of you that don't know the Phelps family. It's Fred Phelps and his church in Kansas. Which is made up of almost entirely his family. They travel the country protesting anything and everything they can think of. They are most known for protesting anything to do with homosexuality with signs professing God Hates Fags. Now, while I can see where they are coming from, the way they do this is so wrong. Tell me what is Christian about screaming hatred at other human beings. If I am to believe my Bible, God created all men and loves all men. I read just today of Jesus sitting down to eat with tax collectors and prostitutes and other sinners. But a section of todays Christians believe it is right to stand back and condemn. I believe the Bible also says not to judge other. i know there might be some hypocrisy in me saying this, seeing as I'm judging other for judging other. but it just goes against everything I believe God stands for. The God I love stands for loving those around you and especially those you may not agree with. The other things that bothers me about it all, is that they hurt the image of all Christians. Making it harder to spread this Gospel that all Christian are called to spread. When all people know of Christians is our hate. How will they ever know our love or the love of our god?

Shame

[Editor's note: I'm sorry about the lack of posts. Lack of sleep and topics has led to not much writing.] I'm ashamed to say this, but I've always been very hesitant to let others around me know that I'm a Christian. I don't know why. Maybe because most of my friends haven't been Christians and I don't know how they would think of me if they knew I was. As far back as I can remember I've essentially been living two very different lives. one in church and one outside. This split personality has led to some very strange problems. I think it has led, partially at least, to some of my mental problems. Even to this day, I fear what people might think of me if they see me reading a Bible or some other Christian book. Or, if they knew that most of the time my iPod contains strictly Christian music. As far as I know, none of the people I work closely with go to church at all. maybe this whole thing has something to do with why I find it hard to get to church myself. maybe it's the fact that I'm about to have a kid. Maybe it's because I finally found a church here that I feel at home in. I don't know. but this has really been on my mind lately. I've has a strong desire to read the Bible more and have a lot of time on the bus and at work. But I always feel like I'm having to sneak the Bible to work, or grab one while while no one's watching and go to a corner to read. I know this all sounds stupid. But it's the truth. I don't want to be ashamed anymore. I don't want to hide the fact of who I am. I can't deny my God anymore. It's tearing me apart. I just wish the voices would leave me alone. I just wish the self doubt would leave me.

Being A Dad 2

It's strange. It seems for all the care that has been put into helping women through pregnancy, there is very little help for men. I do understand that it is harder on women. But Still. We're only a little ways in and I'm already going crazy. While my body may not be changing and I don't have another life growing in me. There are so many things changing that it's hard to keep up with. I've been having these weird dreams that I can only figure out that my mind is rejecting the whole thing and sending me off to other places and times. Like the last 8 years didn't even happen.The dreams are also weird because I very rarely remember my dreams. But I've had several vivid continuing dreams over the last couple months. Plus there is the mental pain that is caused by seeing my wife go through all of these changes and knowing that there is nothing I can do to ease any of her suffering. No matter how I try to help her feel better or at least a little more relaxed, it never really helps. one of the hardest things for me right now is being gone at work most nights. I have to leave her at home to go through anything on her own. I know that she is usually asleep about the time I'm leaving and gets up not long before I get home. But, I just feel that I should be there to help her. Even though she swears she doesn't need or always want me there. I have found a few books and websites for fathers. But none of it really seems to help. Plus, I know that most of my problems are in my head and caused my me. But none of this helps. All I can do is try my hardest to take care of my beautiful wife and our beautiful child.

Writing

I don't really know what to write today. Maybe I'll just start with why I feel I should write at all. Most people know that writing is something that I feel drawn to do. Like it's what I'm supposed to do with my life. I'm not going to say I think that I'm some amazingly gifted writer. I'll leave the critiquing to the critics. But it is something I feel I do well. I know that I can communicate things so much easier through the written word than the spoken. Maybe not if you try to read my hand writing. But I'm rarely ever able to get my point across clearly if I'm speaking. But give me a pen and paper and I'll go off for hours and for the most part I think I get my point across fairly well. I do wonder sometimes if there is anyone out there that really wants to hear what I have to say. But, for the most part, that's not even why I write. It would be nice if someone read it, but I write to get something out of me. maybe it's cause I'm so quiet i the real world, so I have to get all that thoughts that I store up out of me some how. Mostly it just like the way the pen feels as it scratches across the paper. I don't think I can accurately describe it. It just relieves something inside me that builds up over time. Than I unleash it in a mess of letters and words that most people could probably never read. It brings me great joy to write these little blurbs. I can't promise that you'll like or understand everything you read. And if out are reading, thank you. I would love to hear what you have to say about these pieces. Even though I don't write just for others opinions, I'm still open to hear them.